I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm a piece of shit.
I'm full of mistakes.
I hate what I am.
I'm a suicidal.
I'm on medical watch half the time.
I'm a sex addict.
I'm a bi-poler.
I'm unwanted.
I'm a slut.
I'm nothing.
I don't have anything to hold on to.

I don't have a life.
I don't have many friends.
I'm talked about when people don't know me.
I'm treated like shit.
I'm nothing.
This is what I feel, plus more on a constant basis.
I can't help that either.
I don't have anything.
I don't want anything.
I'm not depressed,

I'm a realist.
This is a nightmare to most,

but a reality to me.
Those people on intervention and shit,
those kids who cry to their parents for help

half the time? That's me. Yet, my parents don't list.
If only they knew.
If only anyone knew.

Sadly, I'm left here...alone, like always

I'm tired of feeling for you when you don't feel the same. Though you're so sweet and nice to me, and know how I feel; It feels useless. I don't know. Everything feels useless these days. I'm done, I'm sorry.

No more breath inside, essence left my heart tonight.

Being as this is my daily post/rant; Might as well start at the beginning.
So, we went to Chuck-E-Cheese today, we being me, my mom, my dad, my sister, and Ava. Of course I didn't go to sleep until 7am, this morning, so I was quite...bitchy, but, I made it work. While I was talking to Kristina last night, I had told her I would get her a crown if I got enough tickets. Well, my luck, I had to cuss the stupid cunt out at the ticket counter to give me the last crown, just because I told Kristina I would get her one. (She will come in later on in this blog.) But anyways, I was walking back from playing skee-ball, which our table was on the other side of the place, and I see this guy dragging his girlfriend along by the wrist. Then when she tried to pull away; he yanked her back and started yelling in her face. It's like, "Really dude, you're child is watching you and you're screaming at your baby mama. " It was absolutely ridiculous. Right in front of everyone as if they were at home, and I'm saying, this girl looked terrified. Everyone was starring at them and the guy ended up letting go of the girl and walking outside. I'm really kind hearted, so of course, me being me, I made sure she was okay. She just nodded, and said thanks. I was absolutely appalled by this but most of all, by how the guy thought it was alright to even drag his girlfriend along like that.
Then, My sister and I went to two different Wal-Marts, and to her grandmothers house. How people damn let their child treat them like shit, I have no idea. RECAP! Sometime either last year or the year before, my sister's grandmothers second house engulfed in flames from mysterious objects; a.k.a the dryer, being caught on fire. Well, my sister's cousin and uncle were living there at the time the fire happened. Her uncle wants to blame the whole thing on Kiki(grandmother), and call her "nothing but scum on the bottom of the jail cell floors." Honestly, this guy is 40? Give or take a few years? HOW THE HELL CAN YOU TALK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT! Granted, I might...not get along with my mom at times, but I know what position she plays in my life, and I wouldn't be here without her. It really just pissed me off to know a 40 some odd year old "man" could say things like that to his mother, because his stupid drug addicted ass had an open flame near the damn dryer. I was just taken by surprise when I read the messages that were sent over Facebook. Not by phone. Facebook.

Alright, now, about why I've been so...asdfghjkl; today.
One of the reasons I'm really pessimistic this passed week is because of my mom, and my sister. Alright, they are really bad addicts, though I won't say to what because it's quite a few things, but they aren't willing to TRY to stop any of it for me, or Ava. It's not like I'm expecting them to do it all one day, and be done with it the next. No, I know that's not how that shit works, but to actually put forth the effort to stop is all I'm asking.
Anyways, My sister and I were on our way home earlier, and out of no where she says, "Would you rather me do this, or smoke cigarettes again?" I just gave her the stupidest look in the world and had the biggest erge to slap her across the face. In my mind, the sentence, 'Which one kills you more, Amanda?", was repeating itself. My sister has a toddler, Ava, running around here and it seems all she's worried about is her stupid addictions. She sits on the computer, fucking it up more, as she does stupid games and shit and smokes. Not watching Ava, letting her get into everything, and then when she notices, she spanks her. "Well, if you would fucking watch her, Amanda, you wouldn't have to fucking hit her!" Then, Me and my mom had a "conversation" about my feelings the other night, and she told me she would stop buying the shit when we hardly have any money. My dad left us 60$ to last us til Wednesday. WHAT DO THEY DO! Spend it. All. fjkfkjgfkjfgkjbfrg.

The only person who knows all this is Kristina, and why I trust her with all this, well, because she's a very close friend of my mine. She listens to me when I rant and rave about my family, my girlfriend, everything. I know without her, I wouldn't be able to get through half of this. She's technically my rock that keeps me steady.
<3

You won't remember me.

I don't think anyone can honestly find a soul mate, though they can find anyone they can love and/or cherish. Relationship after relationship, it seems to be the same thing with me every time. Is it me? Or is it them? Or both? Well, whatever it is, it seems to keep happening. I don't feel worthy of being in a relationship, especially a good one at that. I don't give a fuck, I really don't.

Sometimes I feel as if I could write a book on my life story, and I'm only 16. Is that bad? I've never met someone who has gone through things, all at once like me. I feel as if I need help. May just someone to talk to who will just listen. Not butt in every 2 seconds for their opinion on things.
It's bad enough my family knows I'm depressed, but when all they wanna do is bitch and complain about why they think I'm depressed, when in reality, they have no idea; it's irritating and just makes me wanna stay away more.

I've failed you, but I'm not sorry.

I'm saying something I've never said before..

At some point in my life, I really thought I was on top of the world. Sadly, I've been very mistaken through out the years I thought I was happy. I was being played the entire time. All the friends I thought I had made from sixth grade on, most fake. All the times I thought I was happy in mostly her arms, were all dreams, when in reality; it was hell. I realized at 3:45am on Saturday, January 9, 2010 - I'm officially depressed, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I am alone, other than my few friends online. I feel dismantled here, closed in, worthless beyond belief. Who knew you could feel these types of feelings in what you think would be the safety of your own home. Well, that, my dear, is where they begin. In the places you least expect it. The only release from the stress and unbearable sadness is sleep, and internet. Which is why I sit here all night, and sleep the only 12 daylight hours of the days. It's impossible to bypass this when you have no one around you who understands. No one to hug you and tell you it will be alright. No one to smoke a cigarette with you when your anxiety is acting up at all hours of the night. My only friend who understands, lives days away, nine states away to be exact, and it's not always easy.


She was attracted to such deviance;
So captivating staring in her eyes.
It gave her a chance to reveal the truth unless herself decide to deny.
You endorsed a signature of love and lies;
Impulsiveness that destroyed friendship ties.

Those eyes that penetrate us make demand to believe,
That every word she tells, is no matter what, is what it seems.

Her aura is bold and is centered our attention.
And entered a world of divine intervention.
We said some things that regret did us in.
Becoming of this spotlight interrogation,
Are answers still being questioned and no further information.

She takes her breathing air away so silent and deep.
& hope her soul is in heaven's reach.

I feel like...

I hold in my feelings to much. Like if I tell anyone I'll be judged because of them. Like I'm not enough for what my parents expect outta me. I hide myself behind a computer, and strong words to forget that I'm honestly just...a lonely, semi-depressed girl who has no friends except for those on the internet. My girlfriend lives nine states away, one of my very close friends lives 30 minutes away from my girlfriend, and I have no one. I think I'm inlove again, but I'm not sure, but I'm to scared to tell her. I'm confused.